My Baby in Heaven
Worst day of my life was June 28th, 2015. The day I lost my sweet baby. I was only 6 weeks pregnant, many want to say I wasn't even pregnant, it didn't even count, there wasn't a baby that soon, that it's life was not precious. I despise those notions and grieve for the innumerable amount of Moms out there who have heard those cold, calloused lies.
It was June 21, Father's Day, when I decided to take a pregnancy test as I was a week late and just felt like I was probably pregnant. We were shocked to see two lines! We were planning to add to our family but not at that point, and honestly with Jameson going through his teething stage and nursing every 2-3 hours day and night, I just assumed there was no way it would happen. But we were happy! We were actually so incredibly overjoyed! God's plan is bigger then ours and if he wanted our babies to be 16 months apart then so be it. We were trusting Him 100%. During that week of joy, we shared with a few people and made plans for our baby. We planned out the week I would fly to Oahu and get an early ultrasound to find out the sex. We planned when and how we would announce this babies expected due date. We made doctors appointments. Chad and I both had a feeling we were having a girl, which was the first time either of us had felt that way. I began to notice as the week went on that I wasn't as nauseous or tired, and just praised God that I was feeling so good for the first time in any pregnancy I've had. I never once thought about a miscarraige. I never imagined I would be 1 in 4. And then Sunday morning rolled around, and it happened. Not only was it one of the more physically painful things I have been through, it was emotionally overwhelming. I remember crying out after leaving the ER, "My babies gone!" I cried this out to God in complete grief several times that following week. My world changed that day. I will never again look at pregnancy the same. Carrying a healthy child for 9 months is a miracle! And I didn't give that glory to God nearly enough with my boys. Shame on me! I felt deep pain and sadness once I realized this, and I cried out to God asking for his forgiveness. How could I forget to praise Him each day for the gift of pregnancy?! God redeemed me in those darks days, and I truly felt a burden lifted from my shoulders as well as a complete renewel of my heart. Although I still think of my baby often, I know she is in heaven with our Father. She is safe and free of this sinful, scary world we live in. God took such a painful thing and taught me something so much bigger. He wants all of me, all of the glory, and he deserves it all! Meanwhile, life is precious. I can't comprehend that I live in a world where these lives are stopped short all the time by "choice". I now can understand a teeny tiny fraction of how God feels to not watch His unborn children have a 1st birthday, swim in the ocean, kick a soccer ball, fall in love and most importantly, come to know Him. The anguish He must have! Forgive us, Father!
As much as I have wanted to hold onto this and not share with anyone, God has been tugging at my heart to share. Not really sure why, but maybe if not for anything else just for continued healing. It is therapeutic to speak these things out I suppose. Today, I rest assured that God's plan is good and just. Something wasn't right in that pregnancy, and God may have been saving us from something even more painful. I have absolute peace about the situation now, and I continue to try my best to give God the glory in all things. “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.”
Revelation 4:11
It was June 21, Father's Day, when I decided to take a pregnancy test as I was a week late and just felt like I was probably pregnant. We were shocked to see two lines! We were planning to add to our family but not at that point, and honestly with Jameson going through his teething stage and nursing every 2-3 hours day and night, I just assumed there was no way it would happen. But we were happy! We were actually so incredibly overjoyed! God's plan is bigger then ours and if he wanted our babies to be 16 months apart then so be it. We were trusting Him 100%. During that week of joy, we shared with a few people and made plans for our baby. We planned out the week I would fly to Oahu and get an early ultrasound to find out the sex. We planned when and how we would announce this babies expected due date. We made doctors appointments. Chad and I both had a feeling we were having a girl, which was the first time either of us had felt that way. I began to notice as the week went on that I wasn't as nauseous or tired, and just praised God that I was feeling so good for the first time in any pregnancy I've had. I never once thought about a miscarraige. I never imagined I would be 1 in 4. And then Sunday morning rolled around, and it happened. Not only was it one of the more physically painful things I have been through, it was emotionally overwhelming. I remember crying out after leaving the ER, "My babies gone!" I cried this out to God in complete grief several times that following week. My world changed that day. I will never again look at pregnancy the same. Carrying a healthy child for 9 months is a miracle! And I didn't give that glory to God nearly enough with my boys. Shame on me! I felt deep pain and sadness once I realized this, and I cried out to God asking for his forgiveness. How could I forget to praise Him each day for the gift of pregnancy?! God redeemed me in those darks days, and I truly felt a burden lifted from my shoulders as well as a complete renewel of my heart. Although I still think of my baby often, I know she is in heaven with our Father. She is safe and free of this sinful, scary world we live in. God took such a painful thing and taught me something so much bigger. He wants all of me, all of the glory, and he deserves it all! Meanwhile, life is precious. I can't comprehend that I live in a world where these lives are stopped short all the time by "choice". I now can understand a teeny tiny fraction of how God feels to not watch His unborn children have a 1st birthday, swim in the ocean, kick a soccer ball, fall in love and most importantly, come to know Him. The anguish He must have! Forgive us, Father!
As much as I have wanted to hold onto this and not share with anyone, God has been tugging at my heart to share. Not really sure why, but maybe if not for anything else just for continued healing. It is therapeutic to speak these things out I suppose. Today, I rest assured that God's plan is good and just. Something wasn't right in that pregnancy, and God may have been saving us from something even more painful. I have absolute peace about the situation now, and I continue to try my best to give God the glory in all things. “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.”
Revelation 4:11
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